on being single // update

I'm out of here next week. Hopping on a plane from ATL > Amsterdam > Rwanda > Uganda. I'm in full on go mode. My mind is running nonstop and if I go anywhere at all without my to do list, I return to my desk with six emails from myself. Pack this. Buy that. Don't forget to get a flu shot.

It's all go go go and every time I sit down to write a blog post, I get three or four thoughts going and somehow end up back where I began, deleting it all. My mind can't slow down enough to process and I know the minute I land in my seat on the plane my brain will begin to flood with posts. I'll be scribbling notes into the margins of my books, dog earring the pages so I remember where I wrote that random idea.

But I also know I desperately need to blog now about my break from dating. Because when I get back from Africa, it will be over and everything will be different. I won't be in the woods anymore, but instead in the meadow, and everything looks different from there. 

First of all, I've had a lot more fun being single than I expected. I've had this new attitude of I do what I want and I hope I can hold onto it as I go from this place. I wear what I want, go where I want and - more importantly - stay home when I want. It's amazing. 

And you know what else? I've stopped stressing about my future. I've stopped worrying about finding someone and started resting in the peace that everything is perfect in God's timing. I feel so much more relaxed; at peace. 

Surprisingly, it's the least lonely I've felt in months. I know it's because I've stopped looking at the empty seat next to me every day - hoping someone will sit in it. And instead, have started to embrace how deeply I'm getting to know myself. And someday, the seat will be full again. But I pray that I don't forget this feeling; that even in the darkest hours of loneliness, I will hold on to this feeling of peace. That I will remember that my worth is not from having a plus one, but instead rooted in Christ. 

It's both exciting and relaxing and is taking away my fear of being alone - my fear of having no boy to text or take to a wedding. Y'all know I can boogie solo.

I hope you don't read this as some congratulatory post to myself ("Good job, Whitney, for going on no dates in six weeks!"). But instead, I hope you see it as one of gratitude. I'm so grateful for the support I've received and the things I've come to understand these last few weeks. I went into this season feeling dry - alone and lonely and wanting someone, anyone, to care to know my heart. But alas, I feel in bloom again - knowing deeply, deeply that everything is right in God's timing.