28 January 2014

on why you should refuse to settle

Have you ever noticed the way we girls sometimes eat part of a cookie, then 12 minutes later go back for a little more? And then do it over and over? We end up eating the whole thing, but not enjoying it in its entirety. I think it ends up being less satisfying this way - it's piecemeal instead of the full indulgence, but yet, it still gets consumed. It's like we're pretending it's not happening, but before we know it, the cookie is gone. 


Lately, I've noticed a lot of girls doing this with relationships. They're willing to take just part of it. The hook ups without the title. The dates without the emotional commitment. The weekend hangouts without the exclusivity. 

They're taking the piecemeal relationship.

But is it really that satisfying?

It seems to me that we all deserve more than crumbs - the whole cookie, in fact. And I was thinking about how a lot of us feel pressure to race to the altar, and because of it, we accept less than we deserve. There can be so much pressure as people around us get engaged, married and pregnant. That constantly ticking clock - those constantly updated statuses - can make you feel like you should hurry. 


When I found myself unexpectedly and abruptly single at 24 - just months away from 25 - I was panicked by the looming birthday. I cannot be single at 25. I kept thinking. I for sure thought I'd be getting engaged at 25, not singlefied at 24-and-three-quarters. 

But I was, and I felt really lonely. And sometimes I just wanted to rush forward - to hurry up and meet someone and get to know him and get engaged and finally have that wedding I'd dreamt of since age five. 


But I don't think we should race. I don't think we should try so hard to keep up with it.  Whenever I start to feel rushed, which is more often than I care to admit, I think about the idea of living one way now, so you can live another way forever. 

For right now, you live with those high standards; you don't give in - 
you don't date someone you know isn't right for you
or someone who is only kind of right for you
or someone who is great but doesn't share your values
or someone you're constantly questioning
or someone who is nice to everyone else but hurts your feelings a lot.

And it's a little bit hard, because life can get lonely and it's painful to feel like you're getting left behind. It's painful to feel like you're the only single one left. Like you're so ready and you don't know what you're doing wrong. 

But then, you get to live the way you want - in love and with the guy worth waiting for forever. 



A while back, I read about a study that was done that showed toddlers who were given candy and told to wait to eat it. Those that waited versus those that didn't ended up being more successful later in life. And I keep thinking about those toddlers and that I should be like them. 

Because if we're willing to wait a little bit longer - if we refuse to settle - if we're willing to walk away from good in order to get to great - I think we'll be more successful later in life, too. We'll have partners by our side. We'll have the whole cookie instead of crumbles. And that sounds pretty great to me. 

16 comments:

  1. Yes, this! There is nothing sweeter to me than seeing friends get married who have waited for someone who's 100% worth it. There's so, so much to be learned in the waiting. Great post!

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    1. i so agree, wendy! it's worth the wait :) thank you!

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  2. THIS. you speak straight to my heart and make me feel like...
    wahoooooo! I don't care if I have to wait till I'm 62 to get married because he's going to be ahhmazing.
    ..except, I kinda want it to be sooner than that :)

    xoxoxoxoxo

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    1. :) thanks RC. it will def be sooner than that....... i know it.

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  3. Ah I love this so much. Speaking to me today, Whit!!! Great post :)

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  4. Thanks for this, Whitney. We all need a reminder that we deserve the best sometimes. Stellar writing.

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    1. thanks, mollie!! definitely deserve the best, girl.

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  5. Love this piece, Whitney! As someone who was permanently single until 25, I've had the same experiences- just in a different order. I definitely felt like I should constantly be trying to date, but, truth was, I just wasn't ready until my mid-20s. Now that I am with someone I know I'll marry, I get all the "when" questions- but we're just not ready to take that step yet! There's definitely no "winning" at this issue because everyone will tell you what you should be doing which is why I love your take on "getting the whole cookie" and doing it when you're ready!

    Oh- and whenever you do get married, I can't wait because you are so rich I'm sure the toilet seats will be gold :)

    Kaitlin

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  6. Love love love this post!!! Rings so true for me - because literally I eat pieces of the cookie.. and then eat the whole thing AND because I feel everything you just expressed so beautifully.

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  7. You're such a wonderful writer, Whitney! Cheers to waiting! I can relate to the dating scene, but I find myself running off in the opposite direction. I tend to date the wrong guys, the ones who don't want to "be serious" because at 24 I can't imagine being married any time soon. I don't quite understand the race? I plan on doing a lot of growing and changing (you're welcome future husband...) before I am ready to even discuss marriage.

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    1. good thinking, cheslie :) you're smart to know what you want!!! thank you for reading!!

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  8. happy to have stumbled on this today :) made me think of our silly high-school selves, and that our now-selves are so different from what we imagined or even hoped. but i know they'd be proud of us and enthused to see the roads we've taken. love from austin.

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  9. What about the notion of being single forever? I think before you can even consider a serious relationship or marriage, one must be comfortable with herself and the possibility of remaining single. Who knows, maybe you'll get married in the next year, when you're forty, or you'll just live a great life without a partner. Just food for thought

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  10. Oh, girl... PREACH. I was a notorious cookie crumbler. Impatient to the max. For me, it took massive heartache to finally walk away from that lifestyle of choosing less than I deserved. I hope for others they can learn to love and value themselves at the core and stop giving away those precious bits and pieces!

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