The Greatest Lessons from My 20s {part 4}

This post is part of a five-week series, The Biggest Lessons from my 20s. During the five weeks leading up to my 29th birthday, I'll be discussing the greatest lessons this decade has taught me. Read the most recent post, which is To Invest in Good, Loving Relationships here.  

I recently started practicing yoga at Core Power, which opened in Atlanta this summer. Last week, we ended class with Happy Baby pose and the instructor said it's one of his favorites, because it invites us to be larger and take up more space on our mats.

I thought about that sentiment for a while. I think the idea that we should use up more space on this earth is really foreign to us - especially as women. Aside from the obvious, which is that we're constantly applauded for being thinner, firmer and tighter, there's also a sentiment, I think, that we should be smaller emotionally and mentally too. To be dainty and agreeable. To be emotionally confined and handled. To be smaller in our needs, our thoughts and our feelings is often something we're taught and encouraged to be.

Throughout my 20s, I've begun to understand, that we aren't meant to be smaller. We are meant to be the fullest, most lively versions of ourselves. For some of us, that means we are quiet; but it's not a trying-to-contain-myself quiet. It's that we are naturally inclined to be that way. For others of us, we are more talkative or, heck, our voices just carry more. And that's OK, too.

I think it's important that we, as women, stop apologizing for being ourselves and for taking up space on this earth. We are meant to be here right now and to make the most of this time. Having bold opinions, emotional needs or strong reactions to things isn't something we should be ashamed of, but instead, something we should be proud of.

As I've gotten older, I've become more comfortable with the fact that I have needs and I've stopped trying to diminish them. I have stopped trying to pretend I'm OK when I'm not. I have stopped trying to pretend I agree with something when I don't or apologize if something frustrates me. I have begun to stand taller - confident in my 5'10 height.

I've become more sure of the fact that I am meant to be here, today, on this earth. I understand now that being less of who I am diminishes my purpose and my ability to connect with others. And there are few things greater than living out our purposes while we're here and connecting deeply with those we love.

The Biggest Lessons from my 20s {part two}

This post is part of a five-week series, The Biggest Lessons from my 20s. During the five weeks leading up to my 29th birthday, I'll be discussing the greatest lessons this decade has taught me. Read the most recent post, which is To Assume People Have Good Intentions here.  

There are two things I remember disliking in fourth grade; both of which always took place at the drinking fountain:

1. It was the first year most girls started wearing bras and boys would always stand behind us, pull back the elastic and let it go. It would snap on your back and then, worst of all, everybody would know you were wearing a bra. It was enough to make a nine year old girl pray she never, ever needed to wear one of those things.

2. If you weren't defending your training bra, you were always at risk for someone to tell you, just as you got enough water to feel hydrated after a hot Indiana recess: save the whales! Which was the worst. You weren't trying to hurt the whales! You even made your mom cut the plastic rings that held together soda cans. You cared about the ocean! Also, Indiana was landlocked, people!

The truth is, in 1996 in Zionsville, Indiana, the chance of us being the reason the ocean would dry up was, well, completely unreasonable. There would always be, at our school, enough water for every fourth grade body to refuel after four square.

I was thinking recently about how that idea - that there will always be enough - applies to our 20s, too. When you feel like everyone around you is getting the things you want, it's tempting to want to yell, save the whales! Save me a boyfriend and a husband. Save some promotions and raises for me! Save me a piece of land and the chance to have a baby. Just slow down people! 

It's easy to feel like the people around you getting more of what you want means you will receive less.

But, this is not an economy of scarcity. 

Just like there was enough water in fourth grade for me, the kids around me and the whales in the oceans, there is enough for all of us today, too.

Life might not look exactly as you thought it would by 28, but the things that are meant to be yours will become yours.

This has been, easily, one of the hardest and most important lessons my 20s has taught me. It has allowed me to better celebrate my friends when they hit milestones I've not yet reached. It has helped me to feel more at ease with where I am in my own life. It has allowed me to feel at peace with the direction of my career, my relationship status and living situation in Atlanta.

It has allowed me to believe that I am exactly where I'm meant to be in this moment. This life is unfolding exactly as it should. And that's really beautiful. 

the biggest lessons of my 20s

On Sunday, I was leading my summer discipleship group, which, honestly, sometimes I feel like they're teaching me more than I'm teaching them, and they asked me what the biggest lesson of my 20s has been. 

There are hundreds, was my first thought.

This decade has shaped me and changed me in ways I never could have imagined when I graduated college. I have shed more tears, laughed harder and found more adventure than I ever could have dreamed of. I have experienced happiness and sorrow that my heart couldn't have fathomed at 22.

{Here I am at 16 with my sisters. So young, so unaware of what this life would bring!}

There are officially five (!) weeks until I turn 29. The fast approaching birthday is putting pressure on me in a different way than I anticipated. I expected to feel worried that I'm not engaged or married or pregnant or a home owner. But instead, I feel pressure to make the most of the last 365 days of my 20s. This decade has been so important, special and beautiful. I want the last year to reflect all it has meant to me and do my 20s justice.

I'm not sure, exactly, how I will make that happen.

However, I thought I'd share the best lessons I've learned from my 20s as we near 29. I'll post one each week for the next five weeks. And then, I'll turn 29! :)

One of the greatest things I've learned in my 20s has actually been something I've begun to practice in the last few months:

Assume people have good intentions. 

When someone says something that gives you pause
Or sends a text that is standoffish
When someone forgets to call you
Or a store associate is less than friendly

Instead of assuming these people are out to get you or intending to hurt you, assume they have good intentions. Give them grace. Don't assume the "OK." text meant "That's the worst idea ever." Instead assume that they mean that what you said was OK.

In doing this, I've learned to feel less like a victim and less like the day-to-day things that happen are dramatic. The cashier didn't hate me. Instead, she was having a bad day and didn't want to be at work. Or perhaps she was really tired. The curt emails have become less about me and more about the person sending them.

Because, after all, most of the time, how people treat us has a lot more to do with them than it does us. 

Assume that the people of this world are good and kind. You might find yourself surprised at how often you are right.

If you are in a relationship where someone is emotionally or verbally abusive, unkind, treats you poorly or any other instance that is harmful to you, please do not employ this tactic. This is something that should be used in healthy, whole relationships. 

five truths about friendship in your 20s

One of the trickier balances I've discovered in my 20s is the female friendship. You transition from besties-living-in-the-tiniest-spaces-doing-everything-together to, oftentimes, cross-country friends who are living different lives and struggling to find time for a quick phone call.

And, when you do have a super tight friendship with a single girl friend, when one of you gets a boyfriend, it can often feel like you go from being her stand-in significant other to a side piece.

Friendships in your 20s are tough. They change constantly and require a balance of grace and understanding as we navigate this decade.

{circa 1992 with my cousins, Becca & Allie}

Although I haven't figured it all out, here's what the last six years in my 20s have taught me about friendship after college.

1. It's OK to be different from each other. In college, my friends and I were all similar. We liked to spend our weekends the same way, had similar schedules and shared a lot of the same values. As we've gotten older, these things have changed - along with so many other aspects of our lives. Along the way I've learned that this is OK. In fact, it's wonderful. By having different thoughts and opinions, we provide one another different perspective and keep each other grounded. If we all believed and thought the same way, life would be super boring.

2. Things are going to change. And that is OK, too. I tend to crave physical change, but mourn emotional change. I want everybody to be as close as we can possibly be, forever and ever. But, in my 20s, I've learned that as life changes, our friendships sort of go through a sifter. And different aspects fall through. What you have left, though, is the stuff that really matters from each friendship.

3. Make new friends, but keep the old was the right approach after all. That song you sung in Girl Scouts when you were little was right. As you make new friends, you allow yourself to grow and your life to change. That doesn't mean your old friends are less valuable, it just means your circle has grown.

4. Not everybody will care about the same things. When I was in Africa, we were preparing to leave for home and something Bob Goff told us was to be wise about what we shared with people. He said not everyone will connect with or care about your stories and, after experiencing something so sensitive and life changing, it's important to protect yourself from that. I've realized a lot of things in our 20s can be this way. Life can rock you and shake you and it's important to realize that some people might not understand why you make certain decisions. Share the most important details with your closest confidantes, who will be sensitive with your heart.

5. Don't let go of the ones that matter. My mom always tells me I'm lucky to have made once in a lifetime friendships more than once this lifetime. And she's right. When you find those people, cling tightly to them. You'll find that during some seasons, it will take more work to do this than others. But make the phone call, send the email and book the flight. Little efforts often make the biggest differences in our friendships.

Happy Wednesday, friends!

you deserve to enjoy today

Growing up on Halloween, after we'd gone door to door asking neighbors for candy, we'd all bring our pillow cases full of treats into the living room. Freshly bathed with wet hair, we'd flip the pillowcases over and and watch the candy rain down. Then we'd sit in a circle making trades. Duke wanted all the Reese's and Sam wanted all the gummies. The rest of us would use this knowledge to leverage the best possible outcomes.

Once I had the candy I wanted, I'd always take the pillowcase and hang it on a hook in my closet. And then? I'd do nothing. I would save it and save it until Christmas. And then it would be too stale to eat. You see, I was so worried about saving it for the right moment and getting maximum pleasure out of it, that I'd never eat it. 

As I've gotten older, I've found I do the same thing today. I don't use gift cards, because I am so set on buying the perfect thing. I don't wear new clothing items because I want to save them for the right occasion. I save the little things that bring me joy and make me happy, because I'm so concerned about enjoying them at the exact right moment. 

But I think it's important that we let ourselves enjoy the right now. It's really easy to get into a habit of thinking life is meant to be enjoyed later. It's easy to say things like: I'll do that when I have a boyfriend. Or, I'll get to do that when I'm married. Or, I'll let myself buy that when I own a house. 

The things you have or don't have and the phase of life you're in or not in should not dictate the amount of joy you're allowed to have today. 

Whether you are single or married, a homeowner or living with your parents. Whether you have a job or are in school or are doing neither need not matter. You deserve to enjoy today because you exist and you were fearfully and wonderfully made. You deserve to use the gift card, wear the special shirt and eat the candy. You deserve to drink the good wine and download a good movie. Not because of what today is or isn't or what you have or don't have. Simply because you are enough; you are valuable. And you deserve to get the most joy out of life right now.

PS: Speaking of enjoying today, treat yourself to a free coffee via my Instagram. No more hoarding my gift cards. I shall share them with you! Happy Monday! 

15 qualities successful women share

If you’d asked me when I was 18 what success looked like for a grown woman, I would have had a very clear answer for you: She’d be married with kids, living in a big, beautiful, Pottery Barn-clad house in the suburbs. Most likely in Indiana.

If someone told my 18-year-old self I wouldn’t be doing any of those things at 28, I know I would have smiled politely and said: Maybe. We will see! Meanwhile thinking: They don’t know me. I’ve got this. 

But, alas, my 20s keep teaching me that this decade has much less to do with what I can and can’t do and is instead a season of learning I’m not in control. Life follows a winding path and just like Hansel & Gretel, sometimes we see breadcrumbs and other times we end up much further off the path than expected.

I’ve begun to learn that the vision I laid for my life at 18 had to be put to rest. Did I grip it with white knuckles all the way down? You bet! But the looser my grip becomes, the more I am able to open up my arms, head and heart to a new vision of what life can look like.

Is my original dream a vision of success? Absolutely, for many people! But, as I’ve grown throughout my 20s, I’ve begun to understand that just like a garden full of flowers, success can come in many colors and forms. Each is beautiful in its own way, but each is intended for a different recipient, who will admire and enjoy it from her own vantage point.

A friend recently sent me these short podcasts from Momastery on five qualities successful women share (worth a listen!). It inspired me so much, I thought I’d create my own list based on the women in my life.

{As I’ve gotten older, my appreciation for the success of the women around me has grown so much. Above is my mom and her sister, the day she got married, as well as my aunt, Betsy. They all live different, but equally beautiful and bountiful lives. I feel so fortunate to have been able to watch them thrive in their careers and as moms}

15 Qualities Successful Women Share

1. They advocate for themselves. A friend of mine recently told me that one of the hardest parts of being a mom was knowing that if she didn’t advocate for her baby, who could not speak for herself, nobody else would. I’ve noticed that the most successful women around me aren’t afraid to advocate for their own needs, either. As women, it’s easy to minimize our needs. By nature, we are nurturers and are more inclined to put our needs behind those we love. Successful women aren’t afraid to speak up when they are hurting or need help. Or just need a snack.

2. They share their ideas. The most successful women I know aren’t afraid to share their ideas. They understand that there will be some home runs and some belly flops, but the fear of failing doesn’t keep them from sharing.

3. They don’t seek perfection. They are driven by conviction instead of performance. They don’t wait until every duck is in a row to make a move but instead run hard and fast toward their dreams.

4. They know their purpose. And like a squirrel trying to crack open a nut, they work at it relentlessly.

5. They have hobbies. They understand that life needs a balance of work and play. They invest in their own personal growth, which, in turn, helps them to love and lead others better.

6. They know their value not derived from their appearance. They understand that beauty is fleeting and the value they add to the world is less about looking good and more about doing good.

7. They let their yes be a yes and their no be a no. They are firm in their convictions and apologize when it’s appropriate, but not when it isn’t true.

8. They care for themselves. Because they know that to care for ourselves well allows us to care for others better.

9. They use their mornings. Whether it be for exercise, quiet time and coffee in that golden morning light or to pursue a hobby, they use the precious time to start their day off on the right foot.

10. They believe in a higher power. They understand that this world is not an accident. They believe they have a purpose and the best thing we can do on this earth is work toward making it better for those who come after us.

11. They think big, but take small steps. They see the whole forest, but aren’t afraid to climb every individual tree to get to where they want to go.

12. They spend time alone. They take time to be alone. In silence or in music. To do something or to be still. How they spend their alone time need not matter.  But, they make it a priority.

13. They believe they are meant to be enjoyed. They know their words have value, their stories are meant to be told and jokes are meant to be heard. They don’t try to be less or smaller or quieter, but instead believe that who they are – without changing – is someone that is meant to be enjoyed.

14. They are kind but honest. They worry less about pleasing and what others think and more about being kind, honest and true to themselves.

15. They know their limits. They aren’t afraid to ask for boundaries, alone time or personal space. They aren’t afraid to admit they need sleep or rest. They know what they're made of and all they can offer, and don’t apologize for being any less than they are.

the right guy is worth waiting for

This weekend before the Fourth, I was in Chicago to be part of my friend Jamie's wedding. Jamie and I went to school  at Indiana University together. I stood as a bridesmaid, alongside three of our closest friends from college. The entire weekend was emotional for me - Jamie and Ray are one of those couples that feel so right. Seeing the way they've both grown together and as individuals during the last five years made me so proud of them and honored to have been able to watch the process. 

At the reception, I was dancing with the other bridesmaids when I realized that all five of us are in healthy relationships that vary from 12 months to five years in duration. The thought caught me off guard. 

You see, it has not always been this way for us. It took us a long time to collectively reach this point.

There has been heartache and heartbreak. There have been guys who never called back. And guys we didn't want to call back. There have been guys who disappeared out of thin air. There have been breakups and fizzle outs and good dates and bad dates and mediocre dates. There have been periods of many dates and periods of no dates.

There has been a whole mess of unrest that naturally occurs when you date in your 20s and are yearning to know what your future holds. 

It got me thinking about people our age and how it's really important that we don't settle for the wrong guy. 

When you are craving comfort, ease and companionship, it's easy to go down the wrong path with someone. When you want to be married or in a relationship so badly, it's easy to begin the process with the wrong person. When you're aching to be known and end the deep loneliness that your 20s can bring, it can be tempting to settle. Especially as more and more of your friends continue to get engaged and married and have babies. The comparison trap is real and deep.

But I think it's really important that we don't confuse settling down with settling. 

It can be tempting to ignore that feeling in your gut or the thoughts in the back of your mind that it might not be right. A lot of the emails I receive ask me this question: how do I know if it's right?

I can't answer that for you (although I do have personal rules on how you know if you should break up with someone).

And I can confidently tell you this:

- If you find yourself constantly questioning your relationship

- If you are staying in it because you're afraid of being single or spending weekends and weddings alone 

- If you find yourself worried that all the good guys are taken

- If you find yourself constantly annoyed of someone 

- If you are vacillating between wanting him to propose and thinking you should break up with him 

- If you find yourself wondering what else is out there

These are worth examining. These aren't necessarily reasons to end a relationship. But, I know for sure they aren't reasons that you should stay. 

Each of those reasons is wrapped in fear and the worst thing we can do is let fear be our guiding light. 

There was definitely a time when I was willing to accept mediocre relationships instead of full, joyful relationships. I was afraid to begin again. I was afraid to spend Friday nights alone. I was afraid to lose my dance partner at weddings. And, deep down, I don't know if I truly believed I deserved a full relationship with the best love. 

If you're like I was, take it from me: you deserve a really great relationship. You deserve to be pursued, respected and treated well. You deserve laughter and joy and happiness. 

Will it always be easy? Nope. Will there ever be frustration and pain? Yep. But you won't find yourself lying awake at night, wondering if you're in the right relationship. 

I know the waiting is tiring and lonely. It hurts. But as much as waiting now hurts, it's less than the pain of a broken relationship or marriage down the road. And, in the meantime, don't forget that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And you are enough.

5 Ways to Get Good at Saying No

I used to schedule every minute of every day.

I lived by my planner and calendar and rarely deviated from them. I had to do lists for work and to do lists for personal. I had lists of people to call and things to blog about and areas of my house to organize and reorganize again.  I constantly told myself that the best way to live life was to work then play; priding myself on being someone who could get.stuff.done.

But the problem was, when was I making time to play? 

It's easy, I think, to yearn for time to do nothing. As I've gotten older, though, I've begun to understand that having excess room in our lives isn't so that we can do nothing. Instead, it's to make room to do what we love.

I used to try to make time to watch TV, but, the problem was, it didn't fulfill me. I'd etch out an hour a week to be unscheduled - to sit in front of the TV on the couch - and would find it so unfulfilling that it never seemed like enough. I found myself both despising the time and yearning for more of it simultaneously.

Throughout my 20s, I began to understand that I was going about it the wrong way. I don't yearn for time watching TV, so why was I trying to carve out dedicated time for it? I've had to learn to quiet that voice that tells me what I should be doing and instead listen to the quieter, kinder voice that urges me to make time for self-care. The voice that reminds me I deserve rest and pleasure, not because I've earned them with a to do list, but instead because I exist and I am enough as I am.

Most of all, I've had to learn to say no to the wrong things and yes to the right things. Here's how I got good (read: better) at saying no and making time for self care:

1. Write a purpose statement for this season of life. What do you want this phase of life to stand for? What do you want to get out of it? What matters? What doesn't?

My purpose statement for this season looks something like this:

This summer, I want to spend more time with my friends and family, so I can grow deeper in those relationships. I want to be present and relaxed with them, so that I can be real and vulnerable. I don't want to be checking the clock or squeezing them in between other things or asking them to schedule time with me in advance. 

I also want to start every day by reading my bible and journaling, so I can get closer to the Lord. I want to lead a weekly discipleship group and make time to worship regularly. 

I want to grow my blog and my coaching business. I want to get enough sleep. And have time to read, do yoga and exercise. I want to have room for spontaneity, adventure and relaxation.

That's all I want to do this summer. There are a lot of things that didn't make this list. I am not going to be volunteering at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta or at Truly Living Well community garden like I have in the past. I am not going to be trying to make new friends, but instead pouring into the ones that are already in my life. I am not going to be getting certified in yoga, which I had originally planned to do. I'm not going to be selling essential oils or taking any classes or doing any of the things I've done in the past to hustle all day long.

But those are good things. Why am I cutting them out? I haven't eliminated them because they are a waste of time or energy, but, instead, because they don't align with my purpose for this summer. And that's my litmus test. If it doesn't fit into my purpose statement, I won't add it to my schedule.

2. Be kind, honest and firm in your no. If you choose to say no to something that doesn't align with your purpose, be honest with whomever has asked you. I've been amazed at the way people have understood and appreciated the honesty when I tell them, kindly, that I'd love to another time, but right now, I do not have capacity to take on what they're asking me to do. After you say no, though, be firm in it. Don't go back and make sure it's OK with them, or apologize excessively. We do ourselves a disservice when we seek permission or apologize unnecessarily.

3. Bolster your reasoning. Make a list of why you want to cut things out of your life. Here's what my list looks like:

- I am a better friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, etc., when I make time for myself. And being good to the people I love is the best motivation for me.
- I am more patient, a better conversationalist and more energized when I make time for myself.
- I am more grounded in what I want and who I am when I practice self care
- I deserve alone time, self care and doing what I enjoy simply because I exist. Not because I have earned it.

4. Take baby steps. If at first taking a whole night to yourself each week feels unreasonable, start smaller. Consider taking 15 minutes every day after work to read. Try setting an alarm to spend an hour listening to music or reading a magazine uninterrupted. Practice giving yourself little chunks of time that feel life giving and rejuvenating. Eventually, you will work up to more time.

5. Remember: you are not everything to everyone. Pleasers and doers tend to think that the world will stop turning if they stop doing. Remind yourself: you are not the only person that can take on that task, complete that list or give that advice. You are not responsible for the success of everything or everyone's feelings. It is not your job to be everything to everyone.

Now, happy Wednesday! I'm off to journal and do some yoga. And that's all :)

Five Facts from a Guy {about girls} #3

Hey, Friday friendy fries! I'm back this week with Five Facts from a Guy #3. Enjoy below from my sweet brother, Duke! Have a wonderful weekend!

Duke, Sam and me the first weekend they moved to Atlanta!

1. Be confident in yourself. Guys love girls who are comfortable and confident in who they are. That doesn’t mean you have to have every aspect of your life figured out (because guys definitely don’t either). But having an awareness of where you are in life and the confidence to fully enjoy and appreciate the present is truly attractive!

2. Don’t let us be your everything. It is so easy for a relationship to become an idol that we center our lives around. This can lead to impossible expectations that neither person can ever live up to. Enjoy your relationship. Even LOVE it! Just don’t let it be your only reason for waking up each morning! You can best serve a guy by serving God first. Everything else will follow!

3. Keep your eyes open to the good and the bad. No relationship is perfect. Guys understand this! Let us know if something is bothering you and how we can better serve you. However, we also like to receive compliments and talk about the good aspects of our relationship. A relationship will flourish if we have an understanding of what does work and where we may need to work a bit more intentionally. So next time you want to discuss something that is driving you crazy, try a compliment sandwich! We will feel appreciated and more receptive.

4. Be emotional because guys are too. There is a reason why guys don’t watch The Notebook. It. Will. Make. Us. Cry. If a guy says he is not emotional or doesn’t “feel in that way,” he may not be in touch with his emotional triggers. Everyone has the capability to feel sadness, happiness, anger, fear, and the myriad of emotions in between. And your willingness to be emotionally vulnerable will help us feel comfortable to do the same. So next time a guy says no to watching a Nicholas Sparks movie, just know that the reason is more than us not liking chick flicks.

5. A guy can best see your beauty when you see it in yourself. Girls, we want you to know that you are beautiful. Inside and out. And we want you to own it. You are beautiful with or without a guy telling you so. True beauty comes from your confidence in your own character and your faithfulness to God. From that comes our perception of your external beauty.  And you realizing your own beauty is the most beautiful thing about you.

why does every girl think she needs to lose weight?

I recently walked into a conversation as a group of girls was talking about losing weight. They were outlining diets they'd each tried - recounting what they'd cut, how much they'd exercised and comparing each one by the numbers. I excused myself instantly and, as soon as I did, my heart began to ache.

Why does every girl think she's fat? 

I couldn't help but wonder for the remainder of the night. Why do these beautiful, wonderful people I'm surrounded with think they need to change?

If you listen for it, every day you'll hear girls having conversations, big and small, about the ways they need to change their bodies. There are cookies they should not eat and classes at the gym they should attend. There are self-deprecating conversations about wanting smaller this and flatter that. About wanting to tone up and slim down. These are tiny, daily admissions that reveal, over and over again: I believe I am not enough as I am.

Why aren't we able to be confident in who we are and grateful for the bodies we have?

Whose idea was it to convince every girl, everywhere that something about her is incomplete? There is a constant posture of not enough and of needing to change.

But I don't think it has to be this way.

I want to cultivate a posture of enough. I want to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, just as I am. That calories aren't meant to be counted, but enjoyed. That exercise isn't meant to be used as a tool to earn a meal. That exercise is beautiful because is allows us to feel the fullness of our strength and the wind in our hair.

I've been thinking a lot about what I wish I'd said when I walked in on that conversation. What I wish I'd been brave enough to reveal, instead of remaining silent. If I had the chance again, here's what I'd say:

I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Because you are beautiful. You are enough as you are. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes instead of the microscope that you use to pick apart pieces of your body. I wish you could see the way your smile can light up a room when you laugh without insecurity. I wish you could see the way you connect with people when you love vulnerably.

I wish you could see yourself the way the world sees you - as someone who is strong and able and beautiful - instead of as a number on a scale or on your pants. Not as a work in progress, in need of change through a Pure Barre class and a cardio session, but instead as someone who is totally, completely enough. 

I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself for me. Because when you pick yourself apart, it makes me wonder how you see me. If you think your stomach isn't flat enough, what do you think when you see mine? If you think you need to diet before your wedding, what will you say about me before mine? If you think you need to be longer, leaner, firmer and tighter, do you think I do, too? The way we love ourselves is, ultimately, how we love others. If you cannot love yourself for you, can you still love me for me? 

I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself for our future daughters. Someday, she will watch you. And she will wonder, if you think you are fat, what you think about her. She will wonder if you pick her apart when you see her in the bathtub, just like you pick your body own apart. And someday, she will grow up and wonder why she doesn't like parts of her body. She might not know exactly why, but she will know that she, too, needs to be smaller and firmer.

But most of all, I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself because you were fearfully and wonderfully made. You are a wonderful work. And you deserve to know it full well and believe it deeply. 

big news a-comin

image via emily ley

I have some big news coming down the pike in the next couple weeks that I'm really excited to share with you! I'm also in the process of redoing my blog and coaching site, so this weekend felt a little crazy trying to get all my ducks in a row.

I'm not quite ready to share my news yet, but will be hopefully in the next few weeks. In the meantime, in honor of the new design coming soon, I'm offering five free coaching sessions for first-time clients. Email me if you'd like to snag one or have any questions. I anticipate that they'll go quickly and will only be offering five, so be sure to grab one if you're interested.

Right now it feels like everything is moving really quickly in life. Last week I found myself working late at my job, then zipping home as quickly as possible to pour myself into the new project I mentioned/coaching/blogging. I feel so grateful for this season of harvesting, but this past weekend I found myself exhausted. Chris cooked Friday night and I barely made it to dessert. And that's my favorite part!

Saturday, we kayaked Sweetwater Creek as our first date back from our sabbatical, went to lunch with Duke at Miller Union and spent the afternoon at the pool. It was so lovely. Sunday morning, I woke up ready to go - to spend time at my computer to move things forward, write a blog post and catch up on the computery side of things.

The weekend reminded me that even in our busiest seasons of work and life, it's so important that we make time to play and rest. To get outside, slow down and embrace this sweet season of summer. When we take time to slow down and care for ourselves, we're better for it in the long run. We begin Monday morning rejuvenated instead of depleted. Energized instead of exhausted. And joyful that another week is upon us.

Happy Monday!

PS: I love this read from Robyn about Hunger & Shame.

ATL Free Dates Final & Five Things Friday

Happy Friday! Tonight is Chris and my last date of our 30 Days of Free Dates. Yaay! He's grilling salmon from Fresh Harvest as our final hurrah. I'll probably be making goat cheese guacamole. Again! I'm hooked.

Tomorrow, we're going kayaking at Sweetwater, then he's taking me to a mystery lunch spot. The only clue I got was to come hungry. Nottaproblem!

The past week of free dating has been pretty low key, since we threw the surprise party last weekend. We did manage to squeeze in a Braves game, because one of my friends gave me free tickets, which included free food. Boom!

We were laughing that we haven't been back to a Braves game since last summer, when we had the same free tickets. We spent most of it talking about a job offer I'd just received in Africa, instead of watching. How different our lives would be today had I taken it! It made me so grateful for what God is doing in my life right here in this sweet city. Sometimes, we have to go to faraway places for big adventures. Other times, they're right in our own backyard.

As we wrap up all this free dating, I'm shocked to see how much is still unfinished on the list we made.  I also feel (probably too) proud we survived the lack of coffee dates. And I ca-n-n-ot wait to get dressed up for a date night soon. A night on your porch just ain't the same as a night on the town!

For a little Friday thinking, I saw this question posed recently and thought I'd share:
If you had one million in your bank account, how would you answer these questions?

1 place to visit: Greece! Or Bora Bora. I think I need two :)
1 thing to do before you die (a memory of a lifetime): Ride an elephant. I've been itching to do this for years and had some weird idea I'd get to do it in Africa. It's on my bucket list!
1 thing to do daily: Say thank you. And I love you. More & more.  You never regret it.
1 thing to do weekly: Have a dance party in lieu of typical exercise. You never regret that, either.
1 thing you’ve always wanted to learn: How to be an awesome photographer.

How would you answer? Have a great weekend!

you need more nurturing than you think {and other life truths}

This past weekend, my mom came to Atlanta to help Chris and me throw a surprise birthday party for his mom. It was amazing to have her here and the whole time I just kept thinking, "Will I know how to do this stuff this well when I'm a mom?" She thought of everything when it came to party planning - those tiny details I'd never remember, but made such a difference.

After the party was over, we spent a lot of time in our garden. My mom, dad - and honestly all my aunts and uncles - have pretty amazing green thumbs. I always find myself struck with both awe and envy when I see how naturally it comes to them.

As my mom and I were working in our garden, I noticed she kept giving me little tips. I thought if you took out the fact that she was dealing plants, her advice wouldn't be all that different when it comes to our own self care.

1. Be patient with yourself.  I watched as my mom spread soil gently between each stalk of corn and basil plant. She went slowly and meticulously, taking her time to tend to each one. She told me that you have to be patient with each plant - making certain you give it enough time and sunlight and soil to grow at the right pace.

I think sometimes we need permission to give ourselves enough time and rest and nourishment to grow. 

We hurry ourselves and expect instant results and improvement. But we need time. And that's OK. In fact, if we are able to give ourselves permission to slow down and have our needs met, we'll be stronger and happier in the long run.

2. We don't all need (or want) the same things. I tend to go for a one-size-fits-all approach in the garden. If my hydrangeas need one pitcher of water each day, my corn must, too. But this isn't how it works. Some plants need more sun and some need more water.

It's the same way with people. We all need different things to help us grow. What works for our friends (say, maybe married with two babies by 28) might not work for us. We have to give ourselves permission to do things differently and to have different needs. I may be corn and you may be basil. We are different. And that's really beautiful.

3. Be gentle with yourself. As I dumped my soil into the garden, pummeling my mint and squash, my mom reminded me to be gentle with the plants. They are tender and delicate. And so are people.

Sometimes I think we forget that we're all human and we need love and gentleness more than we need most things. You are not perfect, but you deserve grace and kindness and positive self-talk. 

4. Feeling safe and secure is really important. My mom said our plants weren't growing as strong as they could because we hadn't put in enough soil. Since it was so shallow, they didn't feel secure in the box. She had us add more soil around them, so they felt more rooted and secure. It's important that we understand what we need to feel safe and secure as individuals, too. Do you need vulnerability? Stability? Adventure? Understanding what we need to feel safe & secure will allow us to grow.

5. We need more nurturing than people realize. As we finished gardening, I was trying to crunch numbers with my mom, "How much water does each plant need each day?" I was asking her. And she told me that the plants would tell me if I wasn't watering them enough - they'd start to wilt in the hot Georgia sun. She said that she thinks plants tend to need more nurturing than people think.

And I realized that we're really just the same. I think we tend to live in silos and do our best to keep our needs to a minimum. But, in reality, we are meant to live in community, supporting one another. We are meant to care for one another and nurture growth together.

We don't need to minimize our needs, but instead, be vocal, honest and vulnerable about what we need. In doing that, we can grow into stronger individuals, so we can care for one another better. And that's pretty beautiful. 

Five Facts from a Guy {about girls} #2

Happy Friday, friends! I'm back today with Five Facts from a Guy, round two.

Before I dive in, though, I want to make sure I'm addressing an important element of this series. This is not about telling you how to act, what to do differently or where you're inadequate. It's the opposite, in fact. I hope these facts shine light on the idea that you are enough. You are worthy of the best love and I hope this insight reminds you to never settle, to speak up for yourself, maintain your independence and to be confident in your utter beauty.

Today's facts are from my youngest brother, Sam. Here's what he has to say. Enjoy!

{Sam with his cute girlfriend, Abbey}

1. Maintain relationships with your friends. We’ve all been guilty of this one because it’s just so darn easy to do - don’t bail on your friends to spend time with your guy. Why? To start, it will hurt your friends. And dismissing your friends to spend all your time with your guy is a slippery slope towards dependence. And dependence can kind of freak us out. Don’t get me wrong, being apart can feel painful at times, but independence is really beautiful. Plus, some time for bromance makes us all better fellas.

2. Don't be afraid to tell me if I hurt your feelings. If a guy isn't willing to listen, genuinely admit his wrongdoing, and apologize, he doesn't deserve you. I know guys can be a bit  out of touch and stubborn, but that doesn't excuse us from being gentlemen. And don't let a guy play the unaware card; we are fully capable of identifying and understanding your emotional needs.

3. Own your personal style, not what’s in style. This may sting a little but, don’t let the fashion industry fool you; maxi skirts, middle parts and booties don’t look good on everyone. And this goes for men, too - we can't all wear slim fit selvedge denim or a double breasted suit. Do these things look great on some people? Of course. Understand what works for you and wear it with confidence - not for me, not for the world, for you. If high-waisted black jeans and a white tee are your home-runs, wear them, cause they’re your home-runs and you’ll feel confident in them. And there’s nothing more attractive than confidence.

4. My interests don’t have to be your interests. There’s a fine line here. It's a fun feeling to learn you are developing a new, shared interest. But, do you really give a hoot about how many goals Lionel Messi scored in La Liga last season? If that sounds like Spanish to you, that’s ok! I want you to support my interests, but if watching soccer feels more like watching grass grow then enjoy a little time apart. That’s a perfect chance to display your independence or call up those friends!

5. On the flipside, if none of our interests align, it might be time to cut it off. You sleep with all 3 of your cats, I’m allergic to cats. You fist pump to EDM, I want to be lulled to sleep by the Oh Hellos. You like white pizza, pizza blanca, or whatever the heck it’s called, I know that sauce is the best ingredient. You get the picture – we aren’t a match made in Heaven. So call a spade a spade and let it go.  A lack of shared interests will result in boredom and a disconnect.

In case you missed the first one, read last week's Fast Fact from a Guy

Seven Years of Blogging {thank you, thank you}

May marked seven years of blogging for me. Seven! I went back and read my first post the other day and had a good laugh. 

So much has changed in my life since I shared those words. I was 21 at the time, interning for Atlanta magazine, living in Emory summer housing. I felt far from my sweet family and Indiana friends, but was falling in love with Atlanta at the same time.

My internship was unpaid and I remember calling my mom when my blow dryer broke. I cried and told her that making no money wasn’t fun. I look back on it now and am so grateful for that summer, when I couldn’t afford to replace my blow dryer and would cry on days I had to pay $5 to park because the Mart took over the city. On those nights when I’d choose froyo over dinner because I couldn’t afford both.

Chris laughs now because I have a whole host of budget hacks in Atlanta – things to do for free and ways adventure cheaper.

Those early days when you really don’t know if you’re going to make it to your next paycheck shape you and teach you to hustle and I couldn’t be more grateful for them now. 

I also spent a lot of time alone that summer. I started dating someone pretty seriously, but I still had a lot of time in the evenings, when I’d go for walks solo, just soaking in the people and the fabric of Atlanta. I’d call all of my friends every night. Most of them were interning in new cities, too. We’d share tales of what we were learning and always end with how excited we were for August, when we’d be back at school for senior year.

That first summer here shaped my heart and, honestly, shaped a huge part of my future, as I sit here in this happy, humid city today. As I read that first post, I couldn’t help but smile because, a lot has changed, but, the thing that has stayed the same is that this little space on the internet is still where I come to be heard. It’s often the first place I process and main place I share.

And, after seven years, I couldn’t be more grateful for all of you who come back here to read, day after day. 

For those of you who have been here since the beginning (hi, mom & dad!), I know it has changed a lot. Thank you for giving me the grace to not only let my blog change, but also let me change throughout my 20s.

I think we can do a lot to support one another in this crazy decade and one of the biggest things is letting one another grow into new and different people.

So thank you. For listening. For letting me change. And for reading my words each and every day over the last seven years. Your support means the world to me.

Five Facts from a Guy {about Girls}

My dear friend Megan once told me that men are waffles and women are pancakes. When you pour syrup on waffles, it stays in each square; when you pour syrup on pancakes, it goes everywhere. In the same way, men compartmentalize their thoughts, feelings and emotions, which allows them a great ability to turn on and off life influences. On the other hand, for women, everything is connected and there is very limited compartmentalization.

The analogy made me feel like I instantly understood men better. So they can just switch squares? Just like that? Amazing.

It got me thinking about understanding men. I sometimes post things like 10 Things for Single Girls and 10 Things I Can Tell You About Your Husband, which are typically based on insight from Chris and my brothers. So, I thought, why not go straight to the source?

This week, I'm introducing Five Facts from a Guy Friday. I thought it would give all ye ladies the chance to get a little insight into the minds of men. Will their rules be hard and fast? Maybe not. But, I've said it once and I'll surely say it again: men aren't that complicated. They just seem confusing to us because we're living in a pancake world.

Kick-starting this is my kind, wonderful boyfriend, Chris. Here's what he has to say about girls. {Note: I didn't give him parameters or guide him. This is straight from the horse's mouth.}

1. Guys are meant to pursue – and we love it.  Men were made to be chasers, pursuers and hunters when it comes to relationships.  If you want to know if a guy is interested, be patient, be yourself and see if he opens up the pursuit.  You will find out through his actions if he’s interested.  I know a lot of guys who are thrown off when a girl pursues them first – it can be scary to have a girl trying to fill that role.

2. Wet hair and pajamas is the way to go.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen guys taken aback by a girl wearing too much makeup, but I’ve probably never heard “Man – if only she would wear makeup, she would be so much prettier.” We can feel a girl trying to be noticed and to be pursued.  Dress comfortably and confidently– let the guy see you as you are. We love it when girls have the confidence to dress for themselves, not for others. Ultimately, that’s the version of you your husband will see the most anyway.

3. Keep embracing your own interests. If you don’t like sports, don’t fake it to watch the game with the guy.  It’s usually a well-intended gesture, but if the guy knows you, he knows you aren’t interested and likely not enjoying yourself.  If he wants to watch a game and you don’t, use that time to pursue your own interests.  It’s OK to have separate interests – you each need your own space to pursue these. (But don’t be afraid to ask how our sports teams are doing….especially fantasy ones. We love that.)

4. Own your independence. One of the things I love about Whitney is how deeply she has invested herself in her faith, family, friends, health, blog, career and personal development to ultimately fulfill her. I don’t feel like she is depending on me to “complete” her.  Rather, she wants me alongside as she pursues those passions.  One my best friends once said he didn’t want to be any girl's “vessel to marriage”.  When a girl is just looking for a guy to bring her the marriage/children/house that will then fulfill her, guys sense that, get overwhelmed and question the reason a girl loves them.

5. Challenge us to understand our emotions and feelings.  From what I know (not much), girls are typically more in touch with their emotions than guys are.  I think we, as males, often get uncomfortable becoming in touch with our emotions because we don’t understand them.  We need some pushing here.  When you get to a point in the relationship where it’s appropriate, ask the “why?” questions about his emotions. Recently, Whitney has done an unbelievable job of challenging me explore root causes on my feelings and emotions.  It’s been fascinating to explore this and better understand myself in the process, and has enriched the way we are able to connect.

why don't we believe we are beautiful?

This past weekend, I went home to Indiana for Memorial Day, which was the perfect way to spend the holiday. I returned to Atlanta feeling rested and refreshed - filled to the brim with love & contentment. There is something to be said for spending time with people you love outside the bustle of the city.

While I was there, I did a photography session with the very talented Sami Renee. As I continue to grow my coaching business, it feels important to have more professional pictures - instead of just cropping out my friends and a glass of wine from group photos.

I've been so excited this week to receive the photos from her, but, last night, as the email popped in my inbox that they were ready, my breath caught. I thought: what if I hate them? What if I don't look pretty in any of them? What if I wasted time and money and don't look good in any of the pictures and can't use them?

As I looked through the pictures, I found myself being critical first: my smile looks fake, my arms don't look good there, my face looks round.

My first thought was to pick myself apart, as opposed to see the beauty in them.

As I sorted through the pictures, I started wondering: what if these were of my sisters or mom? I wouldn't be critiquing them, but instead finding joy in the way her mouth opens as she laughs and proud that she is standing tall and confidently.

Why don't we choose to see ourselves through the eyes of love first? Why do we choose first to pick ourselves apart?

As we head into the beautiful, wonderful season that is summer, I'm making a promise to see myself with eyes of love first. Not to pick myself apart in a swimsuit or shorts. Not to hold on to a towel like a security blanket or fear beach weekends and pools. Not to examine myself with a critical eye, but instead one of love and confidence.

I'm making an effort to see my body as beautiful and able - not to give into the world's constant message that we should take up less space. I'm living wholly and fully in the body that the Lord gave me, for it is capable and strong. 

10 things for new college grads

Six years ago, I wrote a post about graduation. I compared leaving college to what it's like if you were to leave the lid off an ant farm overnight. Even after months of working to build their tunnels and protect their homes, you'd wake up and find they'd left the little box for a much bigger universe. It's a lot like students leaving their desks and dorms and the lives they've built for the real world.

I always get nostalgic this time of year - reflecting on how much has changed during the last six years and what has stayed the same. What I miss and what I don't. I think about the way spring felt in Bloomington, with hundreds of trees in bloom and the feeling in the air that if we just close our eyes tight enough, maybe we can stay a little longer. 

I was ready to graduate when the time came. I wasn't ready to leave my friends but I felt eager to know where I'd be working and living. At the time, I was in a long distance relationship, so I felt ready to get to Atlanta and see where it would take me. 

A lot of reader emails I get are from seniors in college and this month, as graduation wraps up around the US, you all have been on my mind. This time of life is wonderful and scary at once. It's easy and happy, but a little hard, too. 

I did some things right and many things wrong. Here's what I wish I'd known when I graduated at 22: 

1. Your friendships are going to change. And it's OK. You will have best friends you grow apart from and best friends you grow even closer to. There will be new friends. And some of them will come and go, while others become dear to you. Friendships in our 20s are like a Rubik's cube - they tend to rotate and shift - some fall into place and others don't fit. And when you find one that really works, it feels like magic. Make an effort to stay close to the people that matter the most. Mourn friendships that end up growing apart. And don't be afraid to make room for new ones to blossom. 

2. Take risks. The older you get, the more money you make and the more secure you become. It gets harder and harder to give up that stability and comfort. Take risks now. If you want to work at a start--up, go abroad or be a camp counselor, now is the time to do it. Invest in these risks. Don't worry about how you'll explain them in an interview. These risks are brand building and personal equity. When you have more life experience, an employer will likely find it more valuable than your Excel skills. Don't be afraid to go against the grain.  

3. Spend time alone. I spent many lonely nights in Atlanta when I first graduated. I went on a lot of walks and explored much of this city solo. But that loneliness soon became independence. Nights alone, which I once feared, I now revel in. I learned more about who I was and what I stood for on those walks around the city by myself than I ever anticipated. I didn't plan to spend so much time alone, but I'm so grateful for them now. 

4. Be careful with your money. When I first moved here, my monthly rent was more than a 2-week paycheck after taxes. I was living well beyond my means. Don't do what I did. Live within your means and invest early. I know how tempting it is to live in a cooler neighborhood, go to every event and buy anything you want. I've been there. But the money you're saving now matters. Be wise with it. 

5. Try really hard at something. Anything! Whether it be your job, grad school, volunteering, a blog, training for a race or anything in between, do it well. Caring about things shapes us into being more compassionate, interesting and motivated people. 

6. Take on hobbies. I've seen people wake up at 30 and realize all they did in their 20s was work. There's nothing wrong with working super hard, but take some time each month to invest in your own personal growth. Allowing yourself time to unplug from work and do something that's purely for yourself will keep you sane in this changing decade. 

7. The playing field will get uneven. For the first time in your life, you aren't going to be in the same place as your friends. Some will continue with school and others will quickly be promoted over and over. Some will get engaged and buy houses. Others will shudder at the thought of commitment or a diaper. If there is one thing I wish I'd done better in my early 20s, it would be not comparing myself to my friends. We each have our own path and story and each one of them matters. We were not made to emulate one another.

8. Care about your family. This looks different for everyone and I know a lot of people carry both pain and joy in their familial relationships. I don't know what your family looks like, but I do know that everything started with family and, as you get older, you begin to see that everything comes back to it.

9. See a therapist. I pretty much think everyone could benefit from seeing a therapist during most seasons of life. I'm a big fan of emotional processing and I believe we grow a lot from reflecting and seeking guidance. 

10. Seek adventure. Go to faraway places. Learn your city. Make new friends. Try different hobbies. Cook new things. Embrace new relationships. Open your heart to this next chapter, for it is great. Don't fear it. Let it shape you and grow you and make you into the amazing person you're meant to be.