the right guy is worth waiting for

This weekend before the Fourth, I was in Chicago to be part of my friend Jamie's wedding. Jamie and I went to school  at Indiana University together. I stood as a bridesmaid, alongside three of our closest friends from college. The entire weekend was emotional for me - Jamie and Ray are one of those couples that feel so right. Seeing the way they've both grown together and as individuals during the last five years made me so proud of them and honored to have been able to watch the process. 

At the reception, I was dancing with the other bridesmaids when I realized that all five of us are in healthy relationships that vary from 12 months to five years in duration. The thought caught me off guard. 

You see, it has not always been this way for us. It took us a long time to collectively reach this point.

There has been heartache and heartbreak. There have been guys who never called back. And guys we didn't want to call back. There have been guys who disappeared out of thin air. There have been breakups and fizzle outs and good dates and bad dates and mediocre dates. There have been periods of many dates and periods of no dates.

There has been a whole mess of unrest that naturally occurs when you date in your 20s and are yearning to know what your future holds. 

It got me thinking about people our age and how it's really important that we don't settle for the wrong guy. 

When you are craving comfort, ease and companionship, it's easy to go down the wrong path with someone. When you want to be married or in a relationship so badly, it's easy to begin the process with the wrong person. When you're aching to be known and end the deep loneliness that your 20s can bring, it can be tempting to settle. Especially as more and more of your friends continue to get engaged and married and have babies. The comparison trap is real and deep.

But I think it's really important that we don't confuse settling down with settling. 

It can be tempting to ignore that feeling in your gut or the thoughts in the back of your mind that it might not be right. A lot of the emails I receive ask me this question: how do I know if it's right?

I can't answer that for you (although I do have personal rules on how you know if you should break up with someone).

And I can confidently tell you this:

- If you find yourself constantly questioning your relationship

- If you are staying in it because you're afraid of being single or spending weekends and weddings alone 

- If you find yourself worried that all the good guys are taken

- If you find yourself constantly annoyed of someone 

- If you are vacillating between wanting him to propose and thinking you should break up with him 

- If you find yourself wondering what else is out there

These are worth examining. These aren't necessarily reasons to end a relationship. But, I know for sure they aren't reasons that you should stay. 

Each of those reasons is wrapped in fear and the worst thing we can do is let fear be our guiding light. 

There was definitely a time when I was willing to accept mediocre relationships instead of full, joyful relationships. I was afraid to begin again. I was afraid to spend Friday nights alone. I was afraid to lose my dance partner at weddings. And, deep down, I don't know if I truly believed I deserved a full relationship with the best love. 

If you're like I was, take it from me: you deserve a really great relationship. You deserve to be pursued, respected and treated well. You deserve laughter and joy and happiness. 

Will it always be easy? Nope. Will there ever be frustration and pain? Yep. But you won't find yourself lying awake at night, wondering if you're in the right relationship. 

I know the waiting is tiring and lonely. It hurts. But as much as waiting now hurts, it's less than the pain of a broken relationship or marriage down the road. And, in the meantime, don't forget that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And you are enough.

Five Facts from a Guy {about girls} #2

Happy Friday, friends! I'm back today with Five Facts from a Guy, round two.

Before I dive in, though, I want to make sure I'm addressing an important element of this series. This is not about telling you how to act, what to do differently or where you're inadequate. It's the opposite, in fact. I hope these facts shine light on the idea that you are enough. You are worthy of the best love and I hope this insight reminds you to never settle, to speak up for yourself, maintain your independence and to be confident in your utter beauty.

Today's facts are from my youngest brother, Sam. Here's what he has to say. Enjoy!

{Sam with his cute girlfriend, Abbey}

1. Maintain relationships with your friends. We’ve all been guilty of this one because it’s just so darn easy to do - don’t bail on your friends to spend time with your guy. Why? To start, it will hurt your friends. And dismissing your friends to spend all your time with your guy is a slippery slope towards dependence. And dependence can kind of freak us out. Don’t get me wrong, being apart can feel painful at times, but independence is really beautiful. Plus, some time for bromance makes us all better fellas.

2. Don't be afraid to tell me if I hurt your feelings. If a guy isn't willing to listen, genuinely admit his wrongdoing, and apologize, he doesn't deserve you. I know guys can be a bit  out of touch and stubborn, but that doesn't excuse us from being gentlemen. And don't let a guy play the unaware card; we are fully capable of identifying and understanding your emotional needs.

3. Own your personal style, not what’s in style. This may sting a little but, don’t let the fashion industry fool you; maxi skirts, middle parts and booties don’t look good on everyone. And this goes for men, too - we can't all wear slim fit selvedge denim or a double breasted suit. Do these things look great on some people? Of course. Understand what works for you and wear it with confidence - not for me, not for the world, for you. If high-waisted black jeans and a white tee are your home-runs, wear them, cause they’re your home-runs and you’ll feel confident in them. And there’s nothing more attractive than confidence.

4. My interests don’t have to be your interests. There’s a fine line here. It's a fun feeling to learn you are developing a new, shared interest. But, do you really give a hoot about how many goals Lionel Messi scored in La Liga last season? If that sounds like Spanish to you, that’s ok! I want you to support my interests, but if watching soccer feels more like watching grass grow then enjoy a little time apart. That’s a perfect chance to display your independence or call up those friends!

5. On the flipside, if none of our interests align, it might be time to cut it off. You sleep with all 3 of your cats, I’m allergic to cats. You fist pump to EDM, I want to be lulled to sleep by the Oh Hellos. You like white pizza, pizza blanca, or whatever the heck it’s called, I know that sauce is the best ingredient. You get the picture – we aren’t a match made in Heaven. So call a spade a spade and let it go.  A lack of shared interests will result in boredom and a disconnect.

In case you missed the first one, read last week's Fast Fact from a Guy

Five Facts from a Guy {about Girls}

My dear friend Megan once told me that men are waffles and women are pancakes. When you pour syrup on waffles, it stays in each square; when you pour syrup on pancakes, it goes everywhere. In the same way, men compartmentalize their thoughts, feelings and emotions, which allows them a great ability to turn on and off life influences. On the other hand, for women, everything is connected and there is very limited compartmentalization.

The analogy made me feel like I instantly understood men better. So they can just switch squares? Just like that? Amazing.

It got me thinking about understanding men. I sometimes post things like 10 Things for Single Girls and 10 Things I Can Tell You About Your Husband, which are typically based on insight from Chris and my brothers. So, I thought, why not go straight to the source?

This week, I'm introducing Five Facts from a Guy Friday. I thought it would give all ye ladies the chance to get a little insight into the minds of men. Will their rules be hard and fast? Maybe not. But, I've said it once and I'll surely say it again: men aren't that complicated. They just seem confusing to us because we're living in a pancake world.

Kick-starting this is my kind, wonderful boyfriend, Chris. Here's what he has to say about girls. {Note: I didn't give him parameters or guide him. This is straight from the horse's mouth.}

1. Guys are meant to pursue – and we love it.  Men were made to be chasers, pursuers and hunters when it comes to relationships.  If you want to know if a guy is interested, be patient, be yourself and see if he opens up the pursuit.  You will find out through his actions if he’s interested.  I know a lot of guys who are thrown off when a girl pursues them first – it can be scary to have a girl trying to fill that role.

2. Wet hair and pajamas is the way to go.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen guys taken aback by a girl wearing too much makeup, but I’ve probably never heard “Man – if only she would wear makeup, she would be so much prettier.” We can feel a girl trying to be noticed and to be pursued.  Dress comfortably and confidently– let the guy see you as you are. We love it when girls have the confidence to dress for themselves, not for others. Ultimately, that’s the version of you your husband will see the most anyway.

3. Keep embracing your own interests. If you don’t like sports, don’t fake it to watch the game with the guy.  It’s usually a well-intended gesture, but if the guy knows you, he knows you aren’t interested and likely not enjoying yourself.  If he wants to watch a game and you don’t, use that time to pursue your own interests.  It’s OK to have separate interests – you each need your own space to pursue these. (But don’t be afraid to ask how our sports teams are doing….especially fantasy ones. We love that.)

4. Own your independence. One of the things I love about Whitney is how deeply she has invested herself in her faith, family, friends, health, blog, career and personal development to ultimately fulfill her. I don’t feel like she is depending on me to “complete” her.  Rather, she wants me alongside as she pursues those passions.  One my best friends once said he didn’t want to be any girl's “vessel to marriage”.  When a girl is just looking for a guy to bring her the marriage/children/house that will then fulfill her, guys sense that, get overwhelmed and question the reason a girl loves them.

5. Challenge us to understand our emotions and feelings.  From what I know (not much), girls are typically more in touch with their emotions than guys are.  I think we, as males, often get uncomfortable becoming in touch with our emotions because we don’t understand them.  We need some pushing here.  When you get to a point in the relationship where it’s appropriate, ask the “why?” questions about his emotions. Recently, Whitney has done an unbelievable job of challenging me explore root causes on my feelings and emotions.  It’s been fascinating to explore this and better understand myself in the process, and has enriched the way we are able to connect.